


you got my heart racing and hands shaking and it isn't bad this time

by louisbabyfox



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:37:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5047039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisbabyfox/pseuds/louisbabyfox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you asked someone what their first ever memory was, they would probably tell you something about learning to tie their shoelaces, being cradled in their grandparents' arms, taking a bath with their siblings. They would tell you about their first Christmas and how all they can remember is a blurry image of Christmas lights and laughter ringing in their ears. They'd tell you about falling asleep in their parents' arms and sleeping in their bed, about blowing their first birthday candles and eating chocolate cake. Those are all normal, cheerful, happy memories. That's usually how it goes.<br/> Dan remembers being scared</p>
            </blockquote>





	you got my heart racing and hands shaking and it isn't bad this time

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah this is awfully rushed and like I don't know but I just wanted to post this so I hope you like it?

Dan's never been good with beginnings. He's had far too many, yet he's never learned how to deal with them.

If you asked someone what their first ever memory was, they would probably tell you something about learning to tie their shoelaces, being cradled in their grandparents' arms, taking a bath with their siblings. They would tell you about their first Christmas and how all they can remember is a blurry image of Christmas lights and laughter ringing in their ears. They'd tell you about falling asleep in their parents' arms and sleeping in their bed, about blowing their first birthday candles and eating chocolate cake. Those are all normal, cheerful, happy memories. That's usually how it goes.  
Dan remembers being scared.

 

He's the oldest in his kindergarten group, due to his mum sending him at an older age than usual. When he sees the huge cream painted building before him on his first day, he stares at it with curious eyes and his tiny heart starts beating faster but he doesn't know why. Tears well up in his eyes when his mother leaves him with his educator, and he wipes his eyes immediately so that the other kids don't notice.

No one really talks to him, when he goes to play with the other boys they don't pay him any attention. It's fine. They've all got round cheeks and bright eyes and Dan just wants to play.

He's the one who causes the educators the least problems because he never has someone to cause problems with and he'd be too scared to cause trouble anyway. He doesn't see the point. He likes sitting at his small purple table and colouring animals or learning new numbers.

No one pays attention to him and it's fine.

-

When his mum drives him to school on his very first day, he taps his fingers on his thighs and fumbles with his seat-belt a lot. Dan's mum is frustrated enough as it is and tells him to stop. It's hard because he feels like he needs to touch something, so he just settles on staring at himself in the mirror and touching his face. He's not sure why his fingers start  trembling slightly when he does that.

Dan doesn't really have any friends in primary school either. He never really talks to any of his classmates, unless they need a pencil or something. They do pay him attention though. Sometimes they stare at his seat in the back of the classroom, almost as if they're making sure he's still there. He tries to hide behind his hair and pulls the sleeves of his blazer over his hands. He's not sure it works.

He's 13 and he doesn't understand why the mention of a class presentation makes his hands shake and his heart beat faster. When he gets to the front of the classroom his knees feel really wobbly and his breathing comes in gasps, but he gets it done. He doesn't look up once from the paper into the classroom at his classmates, and his teacher gives him a C-. 

He's 14 and he's sitting at a table with 4 of his classmates, they're doing a group project in chemistry. He should feel relieved he doesn't have to do it alone, that he doesn't have to look up all this information on his own, and that he gets to chat with them. He's known them for years. 

They ask him what he thinks they should add to it. And the thing is, they're not mean and they're not trying to be. They're smiling at him like they always smile at each other, comfortable and sincere. But Dan's lip trembles as he sees all of them staring at him, waiting for him to respond. He reads his notes to them even though his throat is really dry and he feels as if he can't breathe. 

A nice boy called Chris who's basically the exact opposite of Dan starts talking to him. He's in his P.E lessons and he's the only thing that makes P.E bearable. Chris is witty and funny and charming and he makes fun of Mr. Clark, the P.E teacher. He gets a bunch of detentions but he says it's fine because at least he's made his friends smile. He calls everyone his 'friends', even Dan. Chris catches up to Dan when they're running, being the only person who's actually slower than Dan, he smiles at him and asks him if he's alright. 

Dan smiles shakily and he wonders if he's smiling the right way or if he's supposed to smile differently. He knows he must look ridiculous, his long hair going in all the wrong directions and sweat running down his face. But Chris is still smiling at him, waiting for an answer, so Dan just says,

"I'm fine." 

 

He's 15 and when Chelsea from his English class asks him out on a date, it takes him about 4 minutes to reply. He hates silence, it is the most awkward thing, and the way she's staring at him makes his skin crawl. All the students passing by, it's like they're all judging him. He says no. When she turns around he hurries out of the school building and breathes in the summer air, trying to calm himself down. 

He doesn't know why he declined. Chelsea is a very pretty girl, with rosy cheeks and blue eyes and she's smart and nice. But in a way Dan feels as if he would have been not only betraying her, but himself as well by accepting. Because Dan still doesn't like the way his hair falls down on his face, he doesn't like how dark his eyes are, he doesn't like the shape of his nose or the sound of his voice, his obnoxious laughter would've probably been one of the worst things to hear on a date in the cinema. 

Dan is just really confused because everyone seems to be at peace with themselves, but he's just a storm ready to start pouring, and he feels as though it has been building up for years. \- 

He fights with his mum a lot. Ever since he was little, he knew how to get under her skin. When he does fight with his mum, it is as if he sees it all from a third person's point of view, and he sees himself uttering words of hate that leave a bitter taste in his mouth and make tears roll down his cheeks with regret the minute he slams his bedroom door. He didn't mean it. He doesn't hate his mum, never has. Maybe he's just a bad person, he thinks. That's when he starts sobbing into his 'Winnie the Pooh' pillow he's had since he was five.

He apologizes to his mum sometimes. Other times he knows the words will just hurt her even more, so they sit in silence while watching a random reality TV show. 

-

He googles 'being afraid of other people' one day, because he's curious and it's been getting worse. Each time he goes into town he can feel the stares on him, and when he turns around no one's looking. He feels exhausted. When the term 'Social Anxiety' comes up and he reads the definition, he closes his laptop.

He's 17 and all he does in his spare time is watch YouTube videos. It's so nice to watch other people who feel content with themselves try and make other people's days better with a simple 3 minute long video. He wishes he could. 

It's all easier online. No one's watching him, waiting for him to embarrass himself. No one's there to judge him, he can be this confident, witty version of himself online. Someone he would be in real life if he wasn't dealing with..........whatever the hell he's dealing with.

It's 2am on a Saturday when he stumbles upon AmazingPhil's videos. He's so cute and funny and he makes Dan wish he could go out into the world and play. Play like he couldn't when he was in kindergarten, because no one liked him. No one wanted to play with him.

He clicks on Phil's twitter link and follows him. He types a few comments on some of his videos and replies to some of his tweets, because it's all fun. Nothing will actually happen, because Phil probably doesn't have time to reply to random 18 year old boys who leave strange comments on his videos at 2am in the morning.

That is, until Phil replies.

_

 

Skyping is harder than texting, that's for sure. He can see Phil, and Phil can see him, and. Phil can see him. He can see the way his cheeks flush when he compliments him and he can see how Dan's all agitated and needs to fumble with something during the entire call.

But it's Phil, and something about him calms Dan. His smile is so nice and makes him feel warm. Dan smiles back, and doesn't wonder if it's the right smile this time.

His dad asks him when he's getting ready for college, and Dan tries not to shake too much while telling him he's decided to take a gap year.

The train tickets to Manchester arrive in the mail, and Dan has a hard time trying not to rip them apart. His whole body is shaking, and he thinks he might vomit. He does vomit, his mother holding his hair back while telling his brother to go back to sleep. She kisses his forehead when he's done and tells Dan he doesn't have to go. 

Dan takes one look at her and knows he has to. At least to give his mum the break she deserves, even if it's only for one weekend. 

The train is full and Dan can feel the warmth of all the people around him and he feels like he might suffocate, but he's gonna survive, he has to, he's come so far now. He's almost there.

Spotting Phil isn't that hard, and Dan's glad they saw each other at the same time, because if Phil came running up to him without him noticing, he might have had 10 million heart attacks.

They hug and smile at each other, and even though Dan's hands are shaking and Phil knows it, he takes them in his and walks them off the train station. Dan kisses Phil on the wheel, and it takes all the courage in the world, but he's done it, and the feeling he gets from Phil's lips on his feels ten times stronger than the shaking in his hands. And he likes the way his heart races for the first time, because he knows the cause of it wasn't something bad this time.

-

He's in the office, editing a spooky week video for their gaming channel. A chill runs down his spine so he stands up and goes to close the window. Phil's gone out to get them 2 Caramel Machiattos from Starbucks and probably do some more 'spooky' shopping for Halloween as well. He imagines Phil getting caught up in all of the decorations and costumes and he smiles, breathes in the Autumn air. He's 24 now. He looks outside and sees the leaves falling off the trees and thinks about how Autumn has always been his favourite season. It feels so settled. Like it knows what it wants. Dan envies it a lot of the time.

Dan knows he's not there yet. But he also knows he'll get there one day.


End file.
